This always makes me smile! My kids love it... Enjoy! x
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Thursday, 31 October 2013
Friday, 27 September 2013
HashTags with Justin Timberlake & Jimmy Fallon
Ok Hashtags. I use them, you use them, everyone uses them.
But please do keep them to twitter and don't go overboard people! hahaha
Here's a funny video illustrating exactly that over use and how annoying it is...
I found it hilarious! Enjoy
M x
PLEASE NOTE video below is not for younger audiences as naughty word is used at the end!
But please do keep them to twitter and don't go overboard people! hahaha
Here's a funny video illustrating exactly that over use and how annoying it is...
I found it hilarious! Enjoy
M x
PLEASE NOTE video below is not for younger audiences as naughty word is used at the end!
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
Idiot Encounters
I thought some of these were so funny I had to share them with you to brighten up your day!
Enjoy,
Monica x
Idiot Encounter No.1
My daughter and I went to the McDonald's check-out to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.
She said, 'You gave me too much money, 'I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change. Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's in St Albans, Hertfordshire!
Idiot Encounter No2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..' Happened in Moor Park, near Watford.
Idiot Encounter No3
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'
Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.
Idiot Encounter No 4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.
From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.
Idiot Encounter No 5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened at Luton Airport
Idiot Encounter No 6
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it’s open!' His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire.
STAY ALERT! They walk among us....
Thursday, 28 February 2013
hArLeM ShAkE ReVoLuTiOn!!!
The Strydom Family joined the Harlem Shake Revolution!!!
Give it up for...
Me, my kids, my sister and my husband... what a fun evening this was!
Enjoy!
If you decide to join in please post your link below and consider adding a link to ours ;)
Monica x
Thursday, 29 December 2011
Wednesday, 16 March 2011
You know you are a mother when...
..."Your mascara is smeared over the sofa :-(" @EO_NYROrganic
..."You go in your handbag to get your purse and find a half eaten gingerbread man and a pack of baby wipes" @Dawnie_Brown
..."You have a handbag full of raisins" @zooarchaelogis
..."You find a crayon in your make up bag! (happened to me today!)" My Funny Bunny
..."You dig around in your handbag and get a handful of crumbs :0" N. Mcarthur
..."Your once tidy and clean house now resembles a quagmire!" E. Newman
..."You can't keep clothes clean for more than 5 minutes without a mucky hand or snotty nose ending up all over it but you still wear it all day!" C. Carlin
..."The last book you read was about purée." L. Benn
..."You have never seen a fifty pound note" Y Redbourn
..."You take your car for an MOT with a tractor sticker stuck to your left breast" L. Shonfeld
..."You take a 30 min biz call in a changing room whilst BF'ing a baby in the dark (lack of movement sensor kicked in)" @bwebsites
..."Your hairdresser finds bogies in your hair :(" @saralotay
Collaboration of some of our fab followers on twitter and fans on facebook! Thanks for your help :)
Parenting is a lot of hard work and a lot of fun too... you just have to look at the funny and bright side of things!
What is your favourite quote from above or have you got one of your own that you would like to share with the rest of us?
Monica x
Monday, 24 January 2011
Friday, 21 January 2011
Did I read that sign right?
I have probably done a blunder like this.... reminds you to proof read before you put a sign up... or a blog post up!
Monica x
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling!
Author Unknown
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
Are we too hard to please?
Are women too hard to please or are men too easy to please?!?
Monica x
Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
(Unknown author)
Monica x
Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
(Unknown author)
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
Cat got your tongue?
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Author Unknown
Wednesday, 22 September 2010
Is ur child a budding comedian?
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Is your son is a budding comedian? Forever cracking jokes that have the whole family in stitches? Then this could be their big break! Toxic, the fun-filled magazine for boys aged 7-12, is launching a brand new campaign to find the UK’s Best Joke Ever.
The competition, launched in 8th September issue, will be judged by an expert ‘funny’ panel including top children’s comedian, James Campbell and the Toxic editorial team. To enter, boys simply need to select their favourite joke and send it to Toxic (239 Kensington High Street, London, W8 6SA) or enter online at www.toxicmag.co.uk . The ultimate winner will have the chance to be a stand-up comedian for the day in James Campbell’s Comedy Academy 4 Kids and see their joke in print in a dedicated issue of Toxic magazine!
The Toxic Teams says, “Our readers are huge fans of jokes and laugh-out-loud funny stuff and we wanted to give them the opportunity to share their favourite one-liners, knock-knock jokes and other classics. The funniest gags will be printed in a future issue of Toxic magazine. Who knows, we may discover the next Harry Hill, Richard Hammond or Dick and Dom..!
For even more laughter, pick up a copy of Toxic’s Jokes Special issue (RRP £2.60, available from all good newsagents and supermarkets), on sale 8th September. It’s packed full of crazy comics, silly celebs, funny video games, competitions and a free funny jokes pack to get boys laughing.
For inspiration, the Toxic ‘Funny Panel’ has compiled their top tips for telling jokes to get boys thinking and encourage them to get involved:
1. Know your joke!
Memorise the joke you’re going to tell and practise saying it a few times.
2. Pick out the funny bits!
Decide which words are the funniest and emphasise those when you tell the joke.
3. Get the timing right!
Leave a gap between the start of the joke and the punch line to build up anticipation and make it funnier.
4. Choose a funny joke!
If the joke doesn’t make you laugh then it won’t make your audience laugh. Pick one that’s a real side splitter!
5. What are your top tips on telling a funny story?
- The best stories are true and have happened to you. Then you just need to stretch them a little bit. Keep it real!
- It’s also important to spend a long time daydreaming. Turn the TV off and let your mind wander.
6. What are your top tips on performing on stage?
It’s best to relax and let go. If you’ve rehearsed it then you just have to relax and let it happen.
- The best stories are true and have happened to you. Then you just need to stretch them a little bit. Keep it real!
- It’s also important to spend a long time daydreaming. Turn the TV off and let your mind wander.
6. What are your top tips on performing on stage?
It’s best to relax and let go. If you’ve rehearsed it then you just have to relax and let it happen.
Friday, 28 May 2010
Tuesday, 13 April 2010
Porque somos Portugueses!
FRASES QUE GANHARAM IMORTALIDADE
(Funny stuff said by some portuguese people - talking before thinking)
(Funny stuff said by some portuguese people - talking before thinking)
Saturday, 27 March 2010
Tuesday, 23 February 2010
Monday, 15 February 2010
Sunday, 24 January 2010
Nuki, Nuki, Nuki - The dummy song!
Today I'm in a happy mood! I've been dancing to this song with my 7 month old, she loves it, my 3yr old loves it & I can feel the burn on my legs, bum & thighs! Result!
Have fun! Enjoy it & tell us what you think!!!
Thursday, 14 January 2010
Crazy people at the airport in Portugal!
As probably many of you already know, I am Portuguese, I was born and brought up there until I was 10 years old at which time my mum decided to wizz me up and bring me to England to be with her (I was brought up with my nan).
I have now been here many more years than I was there and am as "English" as my next door neighbour.
A lot of you have probably been to France, Spain or Portugal on holidays and though you want to stay there forever! I am exactly like that except I was born in Portugal, speak the language and have many fond childhood memories.
I miss the weather (don't we all! lol) and the warmness of the people.
Sometimes I think I would love to go and live there, "immigrate", but then we would have to start all over again & life is very hard over there, specially considering I have 2 small children.
My mum is the total anti-Portugal, she loves her country and her people but says it's only great for holidays not for living.
Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier with a simpler life in the sun?
The video below just shows you a bit of the creativity & friendliness they have over there. You'll have fun watching it but you can tell they had a blast doing it!
PS. TAP= Tap Air Portugal, ANA= same as BAA in England
Saturday, 7 November 2009
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
The Art of Waxing!
I just received the following which is currently doing the rounds among a couple of friends. It may bring tears to your eyes but i'm pretty sure this may sound familar to some of the Ladies out there.....
The art of Waxing...
For those of you who wax, you will understand fully and those who don't will never make this mistake. Better go pee before you read this. This Is by far one of the funniest things I have ever read.
Hair Removal...
(I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but...WHAT A RIOT!)
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of Easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the Wax.
Read on........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, Play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel then apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
('Cold wax,' yeah...right! ) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the Skin round it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it *was* a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPP P!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!! !
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious... must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip.
There's No hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may Pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can Stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax Should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!! !*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!! !
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! It works !!'
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL THERE....... ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair colour...
The art of Waxing...
For those of you who wax, you will understand fully and those who don't will never make this mistake. Better go pee before you read this. This Is by far one of the funniest things I have ever read.
Hair Removal...
(I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but...WHAT A RIOT!)
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of Easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the Wax.
Read on........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, Play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel then apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
('Cold wax,' yeah...right! ) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the Skin round it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it *was* a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPP P!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!! !
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious... must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip.
There's No hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may Pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can Stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax Should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!! !*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!! !
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! It works !!'
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL THERE....... ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair colour...
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